A man showed up to a Zoom court date with the screenname Buttfucker 3000. It was a routine morning in the court of Jeffrey Middleton, a judge from St. Joseph County in Michigan, when Nathan Saxaon logged in to respond to drug paraphernalia charges.
“We’ll bring this fool in,” Middleton said to the assembled Zoom meeting, which was mostly people waiting to address the court.
“Good morning sir, what’s your name?” Middleton said when Saxaon joined the meeting with the screename Buttfucker 3000.
“Me?” Saxaon said
“Yes.” Middleton said.
“Nathaniel Saxaon, sir.”
“Your name’s not Buttfucker 3000, you yoho,” Middleton said as a distressed and confused Saxaon scanned the crowd (he might have meant to call him a “yahoo” but he pronounces it “yoho” in the video. “Logging in to my court with that as your screenname. What kind of idiot logs into court like that.”
Saxaon looked horrified. The other people in court were undisturbed. “I don’t believe I typed anything like that in,” he said.
“Well that’s what it says,” Middleton said. He then dumped Saxaon into the waiting room.
When he returned, Saxaon was apologetic. “Your honor, if I may explain,” he said. “I think it was whenever I set up my Zoom account or whatever. “Butt, um, F’er, is my iPhone pairing name for my Bluetooth speaker sir. It’s an inside joke. I’m embarrassed. I’m sorry.”
“Well you should be,” Middleton said.
Twenty minutes later, Saxaon pled guilty to possession of drug paraphernalia. During a traffic stop, police found a syringe with methamphetamine residue in it in Saxaon’s truck. He agreed to pay a fine of $200. Middleton told him he was lucky to have escaped the day’s events without a contempt of court charge for his screen name.
Middleton has become a minor celebrity online. He broadcasts his court proceedings to Zoom where the worst moments in people’s lives are picked up and dissected by eager fans. It could have been worse, at least Buttfucker 3000 didn’t show up with a cat avatar.